Adventuring towards a better matress

Adventure's, Life, and my addiction to Bridzillas

Dear Amanda

You are vulnerable and drunk.

But you need to hear this.

You’re amazing and even you see that.

Be a writer.

Be a dreamer.

This world has too many realists that you can be a dreamer.

You met a man today at the Frederick high school tail gate that met the dream you wanted;

To act and change the lives of others. You know it, even the sober you denies it through and through.

You were meant to touch lives.

You were meant to reach people on a personal level.

So fucking do it.

 

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The sun is shining.

His love sings to me. He holds me in his strong arms while I cry, sleep or laugh. We share these moments of life that burst with light and love and adventure. He is my sun and I am his moon.

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I stared at the tip of his nose. Then, in the darkness, I outlined his face with my eyes and started to cry. This perfect being. This man that takes care of me. This creature with a love for life so fiery that it spills over into my soul. This god who proclaims his love for me. Is mine. All mine. The heavens and the earth could not have built someone so beautiful as him.

My mind doesn’t always comprehend his beauty because it can be blinding. From his compassion to his anger; he is always consistent. He is the anchor to my ever stormy soul.

This is real.

I chose to watch “Me before You” tonight.

I’m about ready to die.

It was beautiful and heart breaking and so FUCKING real.

I feel this everyday of my life.

I don’t even know how to describe it but I feel like Will and Emilia at the same time.

I want to be happy like Emilia.

But I’m sad like Will.

I want to end things but love the man I am with more than wanting to end my life.

I want to touch people like I have been touched by others who create these kinds stories.

The beauty in loving someone so much to try to convince them not to end their life is tragic.

Hence this this movie pointing out to us the sometimes love makes us realize that the time we have left may be limited but at least we can have the love around us when we need it the most.

I will never be selfish like Will though.

As long as people need me on this earth they will get me.

I won’t ever leave people that need me. EVER.

 

 

 

 

 

Doodles of my brain.

She runs out of her house. Copper hair and baby blue button up dress billowing behind her. She runs through the bed of mud where the hogs lay and into her father’s wheat field towards the setting sun. Seeing her hand made bed of wheat in the middle of the field, she falls. Hard. She puts her ear to the ground to hear the world moving. Her heart is beating but it slows to the time of the wheat being gently swayed by the mid-august breeze. 

“There world is awake.” She says. And starts to sob. 

Can’t be real.

This life has proved to be one big flaming bitch. And like all bitches, somedays they make your life not so bad as others but that is few and far between. But this bitch has backed off and now it feels like I am being drawn into something that will surely bring this B back. For now though, I’am happy. My life feels like it is in a place of peace. I am with an amazing person who makes me feel the love I’ve craved for so long. It surely can’t be real or last. Nothing this good has happened to me ever. I love him so purely and truly that he will be my demise should things fail. Just kidding. I will rise and be the confident woman I know I am. But this is gonna hurt. my heart hurts already with the love that is overflowing for him. I have never been able to imagine so clearly a life with a man before. Sure, there other guys I thought could be the one but hindsight has definitely shone its light with them. Maybe hindsight will teach me about this one too. For now though, I am so enamored that sense is being withdrawn and hope, amplified. Everything just feels so right and beautiful.

Hypnotic

There is something about falling in love that makes a once hurried and scared world, something beautiful and hypnotic. The coffee that tasted too bitter or the shower that was too cold before is now somehow sweeter and hotter.

Love is a bewildering thing. Its like the sun making clouds. You get the longing looks of curiosity and interest from the sun. You are new and he craves you to be closer to him. So he brings you in, building you up into this beautiful, soft and touchable creature. He warms you and encourages you to move in his direction. It becomes a dance and the rhythm is hypnotizing. Then he has to leave. This beautiful dance you created has to end. It gets cold and you are left alone for the darkness to cool you down to think. The moon reminds you of his face, his warm beautiful touch. And you fall. Slowly letting yourself fall back to the earth, until you are back where you started, waiting until you can feel him again. And then he comes. Slowly at first and then all at once. Drawing you to him again.

I’m finding that the particular situation I am in is an interesting one. I haven’t felt this good or confident in a relationship. With him, I’m peaceful. I am whole with no missing pieces. Is it scary to feel this vulnerable? of course. I’m not fan of letting my guard down. Too many times I have lowered the walls to have someone else’s troops come in and shoot the place I love with fiery arrows. I am now just an ashy, burnt and hollow space that wolves go to howl in at night. But then he came. Alone. With nothing but a torch and a beautiful heart. Thats all it took to make my pathetic being feel whole again.

Poem time

Heart and soul still not intact

My brain has completely gone off the track

My person has no time to react

There is no time to go back.

So ill extend my hand

Make small talk appear

Maybe inquire about a new band

while hoping you dont hear

The sound of my heart beating fast

Or feel my hand shaking like shattering glass

Because while my turn has past

It yours to make a pass

(I call that one Dating)

In these days I don’t feel like people have the same kind of umph that they used to when it comes to dating. Everyone is about instant gratification and I am no stranger to that concept. But I would like to be. So I have decided that when it comes to dating I want to feel excited and have butterflies in my stomach when I know my boyfriend is coming over. I want to guess what he’ll do to try to win me over. And i want him to guess how I will do the same for him. I don’t want to jump into a relationship genitals first. I want to actually date someone. get to know them before I “get to know them”. Is that so wrong? I don’t think so. There is a certain sexiness and a definite mystery when you are friends first with someone then start dating then start exclusively dating an then all that other relationship stuff comes. I haven’t had a relationship like that in years. I want to get to know that beautiful warm feeling that someone likes me and isn’t using me for their own “personal needs”, again. Dating is hard enough in the day and age, so including this new goal of mine into my life will be hard, but also hopefully an example that you don’t have to give yourself away to someone to try to reel them in. Because that is no basis for a healthy relationship. Ever.

 

Trying to be the newest old me, ever.

I don’t get happiness and joy. My body physically wont allow me to. The closest thing to happy I get is a mellow feeling that consists of a smile that I have to put on my face to let everyone know I’m alright. The day I can feel those genuine emotions again is, I think, the day where I can get the ‘old me’ back. I used to never let the world crack me. I could let things roll of my shoulder and land in the garbage where they belonged. I could be happy and free. As I have gotten older though, the world seems to be adding a rock, sometimes two, everyday on my back. And let’s just say I am made out of marble. All that weight eventually adds up and I am left caving in on myself. Metaphor partially aside, on the inside I’ve been cracked by this world. The childish wonderment and ease of problems has vanished. I’m left trying to rebuild myself while being constantly picked at. And that makes for an unhappy, cynical berated woman. I don’t want to be that woman anymore. I’ve had my dose of loneliness and fear. Now why can’t I channel the old me and try to get my life back? Because I have been afraid that the new ‘old me’ will accomplish so many great things that the person I have become is afraid of like change, love and responsibility. Not anymore. I will become the best new ‘old me’ that I can muster and grab life while its here. And maybe learn to finally be happy and free.

Life of a, now, college student.

Reading my last blog from two years ago is scarily accurate to how I am now, I thought change had ensued but not quite I guess . Although, I have had many new adventures, and yes, some that were towards better mattresses (like I had so affectionately coined the name of this blog. Smh.) I find myself in a vastly similar position to when I had started this blog. Single. Sassy. Dare I say living at home? Well, life doesn’t always turn out the way you had planned but young and beautiful are we with lots of time left to accomplish the things we want!

I had a friend recently tell me that I have been acting like a child lately. I got mad at him for saying that to me because who is he to tell me that I have been acting decreasingly like a 20 year old and more like an 18 year old. He doesn’t know what I have been through that day to make me want to kick back and relax and not have to ‘adult’. Maybe I just needed a minute to belt out Good Charlotte in my car. Or maybe I needed to have a nerf gun fight with my best friend in the middle of the local Wal-Mart. Who is he to say that to me? But maybe he is right, and that’s why I got angry.

Life is tough enough trying to act like you have your shit together all the time to not want to kick back and chill. Responsibilities of bills, car payments, credit, housing, college, loans, degrees and work get exhausting. I’m just lucky I have made it this far in life without pulling a 2007 Britney melt down. And believe you me, I have had my brush with insanity, but quickly turned the buzzer off for the sake of my hair.

I don’t want the impression to come across that I can’t handle life, because, I got this in the bag (mostly), I just need an outlet. Knowledge that I am still alive and I’m not consumed by the monotony that defines this world. To know that I have a pulse under the crippling student debt. That I can still have a heart even though it feels it has been shattered by selfishness. Know what it feels like to truly live.

Welcome to the life of a fresh out of High School graduate.

I was told a long time ago that I had a knack for writing. 

What I had never thought though was that I would take that knack and make it my major in college. I never thought I quite had that “oomph”, that “pow!”, that ” Holy shit… That was the best…*sniff*… writing, I have ever read from an 18 year old child…mmmkay?” and so I was (and still am) scared to pick a major that I have no way of knowing I can succeed in. So I figure that I will type away to my heart’s content hoping that as I do I can form some kind of style of writing that will hopefully help me in my ‘daring’ major choice and create that “oomph” that I, at least, am looking for… and maybe help me not to be so psychotic in real life. So strap in!

I have personal life rules. Simple rules, but important ones at that. And there are only 5 of them.

– Be positive no matter what the emotional turmoil is. The ice cream you have been looking forward all to day has been eaten? No matter. Cry for a second, move on, then realize that it is probably for the best that you couldn’t curl up with the carton and a huge serving spoon and eat away your emotions while watching Bridezillas. You would have gotten fat anyways.

– Take long showers- Nothing feels better than steamin’ it up for a good thirty minutes.

– Read ANYTHING- Books, magazines, newspapers, your facebook wall, the backs of shampoo bottles… Something. It preoccupies your mind from daunting things like going to work. Or trimming your cats toenails.

– EAT GOOD FOOD. No more words. Just stuff your face with raviolis and cheesecake.

– Have adventures. You wanna go learn how to speak Russian?! Do it. You wanna go spalunking with your cat?! Do it. You wanna fall in love with your neighbors niece?! Do it. Life is meant to be lived, not wasted. 

This is me in a pistachio shell. Not nutshell. Only because I like pistachios better than like walnuts, and nutshell is too broad of a term. I like to be specific.